Pastors get asked lots of questions. It’s actually one of the best parts of the job. When a person asks a question, it means they are really wrestling with discovering truth. My three year old has recently been asking a ton of questions: What does “beginning” mean?” What does “purpose” mean? What does “abuelo” mean? She’s interested in discovering the truth. So, when a church member (or non-church goer, for that matter) asks a question, I’m excited to give a response. We can attempt to get at the truth together, with some help from God’s Word and His Spirit.
The question today was, “Does God Hate My Marriage?” Ok, maybe the question wasn’t quite the strong. But, the sentiment was there. Have I been having a hard time in my marriage because my marriage isn’t honorable before God?
I think we must first note that this is not simply an academic question. Marriage is a very personal thing, a union between man, woman…and God. So, it’s personal. As such, any response must keep in mind the greatest commandments (according to Jesus, if you are in to that kind of thing). The first: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. The second: Love your neighbor as yourself. In other words, love has to be a motivating factor and central theme in the response.
Usually when someone asks this question (Does God hate my marriage?), it’s because either the marriage is struggling, or this was a second marriage, or both. If it’s that the marriage is struggling, utilize extreme caution. This is a tough time for the individual and couple. If it’s that the marriage is a second marriage, utilize extreme caution. If it’s both, you guessed it, utilize extreme caution.
The point is that marriage between man, woman, and well, God is a sensitive and important topic. Here are some guiding thoughts from the biblical perspective.
1. God doesn’t hate your marriage; he hates divorce.
When God says in Malachi 2:16 that he hates divorce, he means it. He takes marriage seriously. That’s because it’s a lifelong committed relationship between man, woman, and the God who ordains it. In Genesis 2:24, God gave the reason he has ordained marriage. It’s so that the man and woman will leave their first family, form a new family, and make a life together. It’s a life centered on the God who ordained it, and he takes it seriously. So seriously, in fact, that he gave another set of instructions: be fruitful, multiply, and have dominion over the earth. Marriage is God’s way of putting a man and a woman together to fulfill his purposes. Divorce gets in the way of those purposes in drastic ways and it tears apart the union that God has established. And so he says in Matthew 19:6, “What God has joined, let no man separate.” But, no, God doesn’t hate your marriage, he hates divorce.
2. God’s purposes, instructions, and warnings about marriage apply both to men and women.
Some have taken the interaction between Jesus and the woman in John 4:18 to mean that Jesus had a different standard for women than he did for men. That line of thinking accuses Jesus of setting up one standard for men and a completely different one for women. Why can men divorce and women can’t? Is Jesus saying that women should stay in an abusive relationship? Is infidelity really the only reason that God excuses divorce? With these questions, it is important to understand that God’s standards for marriage and divorce apply equally to men and women. Jesus was not a misogynist. In fact, we see examples of Jesus lifting up women throughout his ministry. Remember the woman caught in adultery in John 8? “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more,” says Jesus.
3. There is not only one legitimate reason to divorce.
Jesus does not teach that remarriage is adultery in every situation. Further, he does not teach that adultery is the only legitimate cause for divorce. Just use good exegesis and common sense on this one, guys. I’ve heard in many places and for many years that women have to suck it up in an abusive relationship because, well, the guy hasn’t cheated. And yet, we laugh at the legalistic Pharisees that Jesus scolded. At the very least divorce is permitted or accommodated in Scripture when there is infidelity, abandonment, abuse. God doesn’t desire for people to be “stuck” in marriages that are abusive, adulterous, etc. Also, there are situations in which remarriage is appropriate. Here is a helpful podcast on this issue: Vox Podcast with Mike Erre: Divorce. Mike Erre correctly exegetes the passage in Matthew 5:31 to show that Jesus was actually refuting what was known and practiced as “any cause” divorce during those times. Like many other times in his ministry, Jesus was actually raising the standard here and elevating women.
4. Men and women are not “disqualified” for ministry if they have been remarried or divorced.
Paul had people killed and is an apostle. Peter denied Christ and is an apostle. God uses broken people for his purposes and can use those who have been remarried, divorced, or even committed adultery for ministry. Paul tells us in two places in Scripture that an elder is to be the husband of but one wife. This does not mean that a divorced or remarried man cannot be an elder. (This also does not mean that women are outlawed from ministry – See Priscilla, Aquila in Acts 18, Phoebe in Romans 16, and others). Instead, like the other qualifications, Paul is saying this is the character of a person who is to be an elder. Notice he says “not given to drunkenness,” not that the person must have never been drunk in his life. He says “not quick-tempered” and not that the person has never lost his temper. Similarly, the teaching is “faithful to his wife” or “husband of but one wife,” and not that the person has never had a divorce or has never been remarried.
5. God does not want a remarried couple to now get divorced to “fix the problem.”
If you got married under poor circumstances, made mistakes along the way, and committed sins in route to getting married, God has not “cursed” your marriage. If you are married, you should stay that way. This is why Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:20 that each one should remain in the situation that he is in. Remember God hates divorce. If your marriage started poorly, don’t look to please God by getting a divorce. That isn’t happening. Instead, God stands ready to hear our confession and forgive us our sins. There is no passage that says, “except the ones dealing with marriage.” You are his child. If there were mistakes made (and sins committed), confess them to him. He forgives. Move forward asking for his blessing. That doesn’t mean continue sinful behavior. If you are engaged in sinful behavior, stop. “Go and sin no more,” He says. And remember, he loves you more than he loves your ability to follow commandments. (But, in loving you, he gives you commandments). If there is a problem in the marriage, look to God for his reconciliation. After all, 2 Corinthians 5 tells us that He loves reconciliation, sent Jesus to reconcile God to man, and has given us a ministry of reconciliation. No matter what your status is today (single, complicated, married, divorced, remarried, let’s get started in a ministry of reconciliation with God and each other!